I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i permit you to call me
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
We are all done wearing pants today
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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