Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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