dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
