I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
