wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i was born a porn star she said
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
