I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
