I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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