So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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