absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
