drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
