Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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