kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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