Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
