Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
