it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
