so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
