What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
