dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
