i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
