Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
