I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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