Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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