he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
