mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
