Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
