dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
