Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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