Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
