Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
