I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
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