I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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