I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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