The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
