i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i will never coherently bang her
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
