My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
