Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
