when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
