Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
pop tarts are not kleenex
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
