omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
is that a dick in a sweater?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
where are my eyebrows?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize