So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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