i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
