Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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