You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
