I think i sorta joined a cult last night
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
