What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
