it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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