He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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