so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Randomize
