oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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