We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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