I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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