If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
