Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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