***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
