My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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