frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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