Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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