i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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