need another drink. this is the easiest way
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize