Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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