I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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