This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
