Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
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