Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
