Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Sorry about my life...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
