my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You may now shotgun with the bride
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
