At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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