my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
