I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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