I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize